How Covid Impacted Me

I was the happiest, most energetic and fun 15 year old girl. I was about half way through my first year at high school living my best life when suddenly everything changed. Covid-19 has changed and impacted so many young people just like me. I always wish I could go back and tell myself to not let myself get trapped by this evil voice in my head but sadly that’s not how this works. My life was ripped apart from me. we were living in a world so unknown and scary. Every week some aspect of my life was changed. Every little part of my life seemed so out of control. Sadly without realizing I began to realize the one thing I could control in this scary world was my food. I could spend hours a day staring at my body until I picked every detail about myself apart. I could spend hours upon hours scrolling on tik Tok and instagram thinking I would do anything in my power to like these girls on my feed. I was trapped. Although this voice in my head seemed like a comfort it was disguised. It wasn’t my friend and it wasn’t looking out for me. At the time I didn’t know this. I was isolated, pale, cold, and malnourished however I still obeyed whatever my head told me. The people I loved told me I needed help and they couldn’t let me continue on like this. I laughed and told them “what are you talking about, I’m not even skinny”. I looked in the mirror and saw the same girl as I was before covid. I looked so different and I thought I certainly wasn’t sick enough. Only under-weight girls get help, not me! I was convinced by this voice in my head that these people are lying, I was fine. However, I believed I was fine but when food was put in front of me, I broke down into tears that were uncontrollable. But I still wasn’t sick enough. Looking back 2 years later, I just wish I could give myself a huge hug and tell myself that there is no such thing as being sick enough and that it was all going to be okay. 2 years of recovery and wow has my life changed. I have taken away that power from the voice in my head and I am in charge now. That voice was lying and had me under complete control even though I thought it was on my side. It was the hardest thing in my life to do and it is still an ongoing process but it is possible to gain control of your life back. That fun, energetic, happy 15 year old Is now 17. Anorexia controlled my life and took it over but it IS possible to get that back. It may seem impossible but truly recovery is worth it and recovery is possible.