I wish I could show you when you are lonely, the astonishing light of your own being

A little bit about me:
– Undergraduate psychology student
– I was brought up in a nurturing family
– I was always happy with how my body looked and never suffered from body dysmorphia till I got into gym and began to follow “gym influencers” that shape themselves with supplements and hours of working out.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa in 2020 when lockdown hit Melbourne for a few months and the only thing I felt like I could control was food, it also did not help when I was following “influencers and fitness” models on instagram. we think and believe everything we see on social media and I thought fitness influencers were always happy and living their best life and looking good all the time, little did I know how unrealistic these posts are and that a post is only a capture of a split moment.

I had no job, I was not studying therefore, all I could put my mind to was hesitating to eat and control portion size, I began to research about food, exercise etc and many of the things I read were not even proper articles, so in other words, false information but at that point my ED voice was believing everything that supported not eating.

At first it was small changes but as months went by I began to change into my ED and instead hearing the voice in my head I was beginning to become that voice in my head it was almost as if the ED voice in my head had moulded into my personality within months, I always told myself I had it under control… but the thing is we never really do… even if we think we have all the control in the world when it comes to controlling eating, its ironic, because the ED begins to control YOU.

I knew I was deep into it but not too deep to not change, I realised that the only person that could help me come out of this was me and the importance of recovery. I made a vision board and attempted to find purpose within besides my food and exercise and how I looked. I began to research about how to recover from Anorexia which shortly after I came across Butterfly and realised how common it is especially during the pandemic to feel a sense of control with food intake. So many people had shared their struggles and stories regarding ED and how much just by sharing their story influenced someone else whom was struggling with their darkness and felt lonely. I realised how an ED takes over ones life and without recovery it meant no life at all, at the time my family was concerned and so was my boyfriend, the more I spoke openly about it, the more stronger and faster my recovery process became. I saw a dietician, a psychologist, surrounded myself with people that love and care for me. Even though I was receiving unconditional support and doing whatever I can to recover my health, I still felt as though I was ashamed of myself, therefore, in order for me to fully heal was to accept myself for who I am and not what I see, to strengthen my core values (kindness, respect, etc) above my appearance and have self compassion.

We need to remind ourselves that we are worthy, to have self love and compassion. I promise you, if you are suffering, it will get better and you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. Life is in constant motion, and so are you, you will rise. Find that inner purpose whether it’s for your child, for wanting to achieve certain goals in your life or fulfilling your dreams, because suffering from an ED will cause nothing but a slow suicide. You are on this Earth for a reason, not to suffer and survive, but thrive.